Zugzwang- Hope?
by Lena Reid
Summary: SPOILER-ALERT you should probably just read it when you've already seen 08x12 'Zugzwang'. One-Shot describing the aftermath of this terrific/amazing episode


**I just love 'Zugzwang' and I thought I really needed to write something about it. Please note: This is my first criminal minds as well as my first english FF! So please don't be too hard to me, I know there'll be quite a lot grammar mistakes... Well, I really hope you enjoy(although that's maybe the wrong word) this One-Shot and I'd really appreciate some Feedback!  
Greetings from a massive German Criminati,**

**Lena**

* * *

_**Hope?**_

_The situation was similar to a dream Spencer had some time ago. He was standing in a white church, wearing a suit and holding a ring in his hand. A simple, golden, ring made for a thin finger of a woman. The whole team was there to support him and he felt better than he ever did. Right in front of him there was this wonderful woman, Maeve, his true love now and forever. She was wearing a white dress. It was the most beautiful dress he had ever seen but also if it had been the ugliest wedding dress in the world, he would have still loved it. He took the ring to pull it on her finger while his eyes were still focussing her beautiful face. She smiled just as bright as he did and her eyes were sparkling like stars… or maybe even more._

_"Spence!", she said in the soft harmonic voice that was so familiar to him._

_She sounded a bit amused so, being a bit confused, he asked: "What?"_

_She laughed a clear, high laughter and answered: "Honey, maybe you should kiss me now?!"_

_Spencer smiled apologetic and also a bit embarrassed then their faces approached and he pressed his lips against hers'. It was the best feeling he ever had. Exhilarating. Letting him forget about everything. About what has happened, what was going to happen and about his whole environment. They were sharing the moment and he hoped more than anything else, that this moment would last forever._

_But suddenly the atmosphere changed. A bad feeling sneaked up from his guts to his throat. He fell back and took a look around the room but he couldn't see anything that could have triggered his panic. His family still sat there smiling and encouraging him to go on so he turned back to Maeve so they could move on with the ceremonials. She was still smiling but now the smile looked faked and forced. Then Spencer recognized something streaming down the side of his wife's head and he became pale immediately. It was blood streaming from out of her head, over her face and her slowly red dyeing dress to the floor where it build a fast growing puddle._

_"Wha-… what's going on Maeve?", he asked, hardly getting a tone out of his throat, panicking. His body started shaking and tears began to flow. He ran away staggering until he tumbled, hit the floor and everything around him turned dark._

Once again Spencer Reid woke up screaming and sobbing, lying on the floor because he fell out of his bed due to the horrible nightmares that were afflicting him since the day she died. The only person he had ever loved so much that he thought he would live with her until they were old and grey. It's been weeks since the day she passed. Precisely: three weeks, one day, -Reid took a look at his alarm clock- five hours, thirteen minutes and around twenty-seven seconds. It didn't help to know how long it has been but his eidetic memory counted it without asking him and he didn't even try to prevent it from doing this. He didn't have control of his body anymore and felt like a stranger in it. They say the pain subsides but it doesn't. He was still broken. The moment when Maeve died, a part of him died, as well and there was no chance that this part of him would ever come back. It was gone as Maeve was.

A few days ago it's been Maeve's funeral. He didn't go there because he was scared. Scared of Maeve's parent's reaction but mainly of his own reaction.

The last weeks he hadn't left his apartment once. He neither had a shaving nor a shower nor very much to eat or drink. He must have lost much weight which was critical because he was already thin when he was fine. He looked like a ghost but he didn't care at all. He also had thought about taking Dilaudit again and the only reason he didn't was that he was too unmotivated and weak to go outside and buy some. Committing suicide was also something he had thought about often. In the end he had decided not to because he thought that he didn't deserve to die, that would have been to easy. And also it wouldn't be too easy because there was always someone of the team waiting outside, always ready to 'help' him.

It was this night he decided he had to leave the apartment. He didn't even think about getting out of his pyjamas. Reid just opened the window, jumped over to the tree standing in front of it and slipped down on its' root so the team member waiting behind the door wouldn't notice him. It was freezing cold outside but Spencer didn't care. He ran down the streets until he reached the cemetery. The gate was closed during the night but he found a gap in the wall where he could slip through. It was then when he noticed that he had no clue about where the grave actually was. He began to doubt his plan but then he just searched for her. The gravestone had to look new as well as the flowers and the soil should still look fresh, too.

After some time -he didn't know if it's been just minutes or even hours- he found it. The stone wasn't to fussy and Spencer was sure Maeve would have liked it. The inscription was hard to read because it was still quite dark but after a while he could read what it said:

**Maeve Donovan**

**September 13****th****, 1980 - January 10****th****, 2013**

**‚Persons are not known by intellect alone, not by principles alone, but only by love' - Thomas Merton**

Right when Reid read this he burst out into tears because he remembered a part of a letter Maeve had once written to him. It said:

_'… You're the first person I tell about that but I set what I want to be written on my grave stone. I wanted it to be dedicated to what I've been living for and what I am loving…'_

And the first time for three weeks, one day, seven hours, thirty two minutes and fifty nine seconds Spencer Reid smiled. It may not been a big smile, maybe it was just a sad smile but still it was a sign of hope. He wiped away the tears from his eyes, took a deep breath, looked up in the sky with all its stars sparkling like her eyes and he was sure somewhere up there Maeve was looking down on him not wanting him to give up.

"Bye Maeve, love you, too!"


End file.
